Finally at ease, Nate relaxes in the sun on Veriena Island. Sipping on his freshly made mojito, Nate’s attention was drawn up towards a familiar face.
“Nate, get up” said Elena. “Where’s Sully? I haven’t seen a wink of him since we got out of Vertino Alley.”
Nate paused, unsure how to respond.
“Wha… what?” Nate stuttered. “Where’s Sully? How the hell should I know? That lazy bastard is probably up to his knees in coconut Island bush by now.”
Sully, long time partner of Nathan Drake (Nate), treasure hunter as well.
“When will you two sort your differences out and grow up?”
“Once Sully decides it’s time for us to take a vacation.”Nate snickered.
“Sigh… Nate, I’ve been filming this documentary for three years and still have nothing to show for it.” “When are we going to film something I can use?” questioned Elena in high hopes.
Nathan and Elena had recently arrived back from filming a documentary on his latest archaeological findings. The network Elena is working for instructed her to film Nate while he was to recover the lost remnants of his great, great-Grandfathers coffin. After being attacked by pirates, they were forced to abandon the expedition and seek refuge on a nearby island.
Nate decided perhaps they should look for Sully, after all, it had been a few days since the old coot stumbled off into the bushes half cut a few nights ago. Sully had been like a father figure to Nate, well, as much as an old drunk could be.
“Nate" called Elena.
"Yeah yeah... I'll first head back to the Hotel, check to see if the towels not hanging on his room door."
"Towel hanging on the..... Oh, I get it" Elena laughed and made a smirk look.
Nate made his way back to the Hotel. Passing by a nearby bar, he thought he heard the sound of a familiar voice come bellowing out from the bar entrance.
"Stupid bitch, I said I wanted peanuts not flavoured mung beans!" a dominating voice shouted.
"I'm sorry sir; please let me...” a frightened waitress whelped.
"Bugger off you... you jungle monkey, poo throwing..."
"Enough Sully...” echoed Nate's voice.
"Sorry miss, how much did you let him drink?"
Sully had always had a problem with the grog, the only time he isn’t drunk is when they're out treasure hunting. Unfortunately, recently they haven’t had much luck in the 'Hunting' side of things; the local government had placed a ban on foreigners boarding ships in the area. Pirates had engulfed the entire region after last year’s earthquake revealed promising lost treasures.
After Nate cooled down the heated dispute between Sully and the poor waitress, the two headed off to their hotel. Nate was more or less carrying Sully, having one of Sully's arms wrapped around his neck and the other dangling towards to ground.
Nate staggered back to the Hotel room where He left Sully to squirm over the bathroom sink.
He then left the Hotel room and headed towards the reception when he saw Elena walking in.
"Elena" Nate called out. Elena started heading towards Nate while fidgeting with her new cell phone.
"Where was he?" asked Elena.
"Where do you think?" Nate scoughed.
Nate started heading out of the reception when Elena stopped him.
"I got the call... Nate" Elena struggled to say.
"What call?" Nate replied.
"The source."
Elena had been waiting on information regarding a local pirate operation that happened off the coast near the island. He had important information on where they were exporting lost treasures potentially linked to Nates ancestors. Nate had been an avid explorer; treasure hunter for many years but only recently has he come this close to crossing the path of his great; great grandfather.
"What makes you trust this source anyway?" Nate asked. "Anonymous letters and dodgy emails? sounds like a great idea."
Nate was sceptical about the source, but he couldn’t bring himself to say no to the idea either. His entire life since an early age has been based around finding his lost family heirlooms. They were in the hundreds and collected over a few centuries. Spread out wide and far in various shipwrecks throughout the Tropics.
They set off to the museum where Elena's source had agreed to meet. Security was lacking in this part of the world, with not a single guard posted outside the Museum doors. Nate picked the lock and made his way inside, Elena followed.
"So, when is this source supposed to show up?" questioned Nate.
"He'll be here, Im sure he is just checking out the spot." Elena said.
Suddenly Nate stood up to a noise coming from behind the main entrance. Slowly emerged a short man holding a video recorder in one hand.
The man took a few quick breaths before speaking. "He's coming here. There's a collection of artifacts on its way from Brute Island that will be made open to the public in a couple of days. There's something else going on, I am trying my best to find out more..."
Before he could finish his sentence he fell to the ground.
"Nate, look!" shouted Elena. "He's bleeding!"
Interesting ...
ReplyDeleteI shall have to withhold my judgement until you've written some more. This is partly because I am a little ... nonplussed (good word) at your style, i.e. the whole dialogue -> explanatory note -> dialogue -> explanatory note. I mean, it theoretically (and I say this with all possible respect) should not work, and instead should sound clunky and dis-jointed; however, when I actually do read it closely, it doesn't seem that way at all.
ReplyDeleteIn short, it's ...
... interesting.
But in a good way.
ReplyDeleteYour writing style looks good, what movie/book/series/whatever is this referring to though?I couldn't figure it out...
ReplyDeleteLooks good so far though, I'll comment more when I understand it a little better. :)
Sorry I should have stated. Its a game called Uncharted for PS3
DeleteIt's good so far. I hope you've got some more up your sleeve though, as time is getting a bit tight about now. :)
ReplyDeleteI like the style; it's unusual, and jumps about a bit, but suits the genre of the original (i.e. a game). It has a couple of issues in places technically, but for the most part you've done very well. The only area I found a major problem for me was the paragraph starting "Nate decided perhaps..." which was a minor train wreck (sorry). Just the words "decided perhaps" is a contradiction, as "perhaps" means that a decision has not yet been made, but is still being considered. (Also, "made a smirk look" should just be "smirked". Just so you know.)
But apart from those small areas, the rest of it is eminently satisfactory, and when it's finished will no doubt be a cracking good read.
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ReplyDeleteI like that you're doing fan fiction on a game; very original. I hear that it's a good game too.
ReplyDeleteMy favourite aspect is the pace. It is easy and takes it's time, this helps immerse us in the tropical island local.
The dialogue tends to bit a bit heavy handed/obvious, although that is typical of the action adventure genre. This could be fixed at the story's conclusion....maybe there are pieces of text above that are deliberate and will tie into the ending that's still to come??
There are also some lines that seem like you didn't re check them once you'd written them. "a few days since the old coot stumbled off into the bushes half cut a few nights ago". This is a minor issue.
Overall I think that the pace will carry it through to be a good piece. The atmosphere is only going to become more immersive with length. I look forward to the finished copy.
I liked how you started your work. It made me wonder and question where this character has gone, making me read on.
ReplyDeleteI figured out from other comments that your piece is on a game, how bout mentioning it before your fanfiction?:)