The First Love
Today is our second wedding anniversary. Cal is wearing an expensive suit and coat. The people in Cibo restaurant are looking Cal’s shiny silver suit. His Suit attracts people’s attention and he loves it. When I finished getting changed I walked into the living room, Cal was waiting for me. When I saw Cal’s suit I remembered that he was wearing his gold suit on our first wedding anniversary. I thought that he is wearing the funniest suit in the world and it was before I knew he had another shiny suit. It felt like someone punched my face. ‘Oh my god, the two funniest suits in the world and my husband owns both of them?’
“Excuse me, Mr Hockley and Mrs Hockley”
I was thinking about our first anniversary when the waiter came over and poured us both a glass of extremely expensive red wine. Suddenly I hear the sound of glass breaking. I glance over at Cal and notice the expression of horror as he looks up at the waiter.
“You okay Sir?”
The waiter is running to the bar to take some napkins. He comes back to our table quickly and I can see his face.
“It can’t be”
Cal is still looking up at the waiter and said to me. The waiter took a cloth and wipes down the table. This situation is impossible as Jack Dawson died when Titanic sank.
“A-Are you Jack Dawson?”
Cal and my eyes are still looking up at his face, the waiter is looking at Cal’s face first and then he sees my face. It is definitely Jack Dawson’s eyes and everything.
“I’m sorry Mr Hockley and Mrs Hockley, My name is Frank Wood” He answers with his beautiful smile.
“No! I’m sure you are Jack Dawson!” I shout.
“Rose calm down”
Cal comes to my seat and pats my shoulder. I can see that Jack’s eyes aren’t telling lie, he really doesn’t know who I am. Cal calls Ben Yran, He is Cido restaurant’s owner and also Cal’s long-time friend.
“Hey Ben, Can I talk with this waiter for a while in our table?” Cal asks him.
“Why not” Ben looks at my pale face and answers Cal.
Cal makes the waiter to sit on one of chair in our table. The waiter wears a puzzled look on his face.
“I have no idea what’s going on here” The waiter says.
“Can you answer my personal questions which I’m going to ask you?” Cal asks the waiter and He replys with a nod. I want to ask him too, but I can’t say anything.
“Can you tell us your life memories? Like your date and place of birth”
“Well...I don’t know who you are, but I think you know who I am” The waiter answers.
“Are you an amnesiac?” I asks him. He replys with a nod.
Cal and I looks at each other. I never thought that Jack Dawson would ever come back to me. Cal shakes his head.
Jack Dawson starts to tell us his stories. The story begins four years ago.
“When I woke up I was in a hospital and the doctor said to me fortunately, I was rescued before frostbite could set in, but I couldn’t remember who I am and how I was there”
There is an awkward silence between us.
“Now your turn, tell me about who I am” Jack looked Cal first also he looked my eye too.
Cal opens his mouth and tells Jack that about the sinking of Titanic.
“Also we were the passengers of the Titanic”
“Are you really close friend to me?” Jack points to me with his finger.
“We were…”
I am all choked up and can't speak. Jack looks sadly into my eyes. If I said that we loved each other, what about my husband Cal and my life. I missed Jack so much but that was two years ago and I married Cal.
“Rose, do you want me to leave the table so you could talk in private?” Cal asks me. When he looking my eyes, that makes me so sad.
“It’s okay Cal” I smile to Cal, Cal smiles as well.
“We were…” I start to say again.
“We were…?” Jack asks.
“You are not Frank Wood. Your name is Jack Dawson and we loved each other but it was four years ago. I really missed you but…not now”
“Rose!” Cal shouts.
When I saw Jack Dawson in this restaurant, my heart was pounding but it is not because of the love.
“I thought you never forgot about Jack Dawson” Cal says.
“Don’t worry Cal, you are my husband aren’t you? And I love you” I reply to Cal.
Jack gave a nod of understanding for Cal and I.
“Even you and I loved each other I cannot remember that. And also I have my lovely girlfriend too” Jack smiles and he leaves our table. He says thanks to us because he got some memories back.
“Rose thank you, and I love you too” Cal says thanks to me too.
The memories of my life with Jack are a moment which I'll never forget but the future is more important than the past.
‘Goodbye my first love’ now I can left my first love story and I will start my future love stories.
You have quite a good story here. Here is something I can help you with though:
ReplyDelete-You flick between "was" and "is" a few times, you need to keep the story in either present tense or past tense (the waiter IS running to the bar...He CAME back)Do you see how it flicks between DOING something and having DONE something? (It should read 'the waiter is running to the bar...he comes back')
This happens a few times "There WAS an awkward silence" should be "There IS an awkward silence".
It is fine to write in the past tense, but for the majority of the piece you write in present tense, so you should make all of the sentences read that way.
I like the story though
=)
Abbey
I always find tense confusing when i write. Thanks for helping me fix these errors :) im glad you like the story.
DeleteHi hi,
ReplyDeleteI like the idea behind the story, and the basic emotional construction of how this conversation plays out is good (hope that makes sense).
I can see where the characters are coming from and the story plays out well. The problem is that it feels rushed. This would be a momentous meeting and all parties would take a little more time to adjust and to sort through the situation. I really like the idea and find myself instantly liking the characters, but this almost makes it worse, because it plays out so quickly that i feel a little cheated. To convey the emotionality of this scene it needs a slower pace to draw the reader in.
The other problem I had was you grammar. I can tell that English is not your first language and this can be worked around, however it breaks the flow in places.
P.S
I like the thing about the suites. It made me smile.
i was rushed writing this but i didnt know it would show through. Good on you for picking that up and providing constructive criticism. I glad you found the suits part funny because it was intended.
DeleteThanks for your feedback it is very helpful :)